Today a dream ended. For the last 15 or so years I've worked, day dreamed and plotted to be a writer. Two years ago I put my heart and soul into a book and got an agent. I think my best shot at getting published was this contest I entered, and I did not make it. A range of emotions. I know this feeling. Ive felt it before. I was thinking the other day how it would be a new deal to feel triumphant, like a champion, for something. this wont be that stage.
Frustrated? sort of. the day the contest really got into gear, without realizing id be put into the contest, i pretty much gave my writing life to God. told Him i was putting it aside to seek His will. Then the contest opens up, and i think it might be His will. It wasnt.
Refreshed? I want to be. My mind is always racing with story ideas, and i wonder often if it is a waste of time. maybe it was, maybe it wasnt. but i asked God for some guidance on it and I think he gave me some direction.
this week is about Him. about Him and me, but specifically me seeking His will. A stark contrast to last week, how dejected and foresaken i felt. he picked me up, like he always does, and here i am.
so i asked and it wasn't given. ive asked for 15 years and it hasnt been given. but i still love God anyway. im working to trust Him with everything, especially this dream ive held on to.
But here is what ive figured out. God does not want me to write books. at least not now. i have enough to focus my energy on. he closed that door. another has opened somewhere, i just have to walk for it. but i am giving that part of myself to God. i submit to Him, that He has my heart and my dreams and knows whats best for me. so i lay down my pen.
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