Here it is. I do not trust God. I wonder if he hates me. Maybe he does. Is life just this one big reminder of how great he is and how much i suck? Super. Great. Glad I signed up for it. Oh wait, i didnt. So he creates us, knowing were going to suck, and then lets us mess up, and then life is one big reminder that he loves us and we should be grateful for that. well guess what, i wouldnt have taken the dagum fruit. if i did i sure as shat would have told on myself. he made me that way. yet im supposed to sit here and put on a smiley face and say how much i suck and how good he is and yes, i am so thankful for the trials and tribulations he puts in front of me because its a chance to show my faithfulness. OK. yea, I LOVED it when my house got struck by lightning. LOVED it when my floor almost came crashing down. LOVED the last 3 months of redoing projects while everyone else is relaxing. LOVED the high taxes. LOVED the leaky chimney. LOVEd sitting in the crawl space looking at leaks. Boy did that make me a stronger person. I am so thankful for that. while everyone else is out playing golf or drinking beer or having a good time, or god forbid, playing with their child instead of walling tile, i am knee deep in a house falling apart, because thats what the good Lord gave me. Great, super.
So im supposed to look at my life like, hey, thanks lord for the folks getting separated. that was super. thanks for the heartaches. thanks for the constant reminders i dont stack up. how is that love? how is any of this love?
i hate this pattern. i hate having all of this crap coming down and the voice inside my head saying, "it could be worse". Fine. but this sucks. its not fair, and it sucks. i did not ask for this. ive been obedient. but God doesnt care about that. its all about grace, right? so murderers/adulterers like David and orgists like Solomon get the love. I get a leaky house on a single income and a "tough sh*, did you see whats happening in the rest of the world" message. great.
Everyday, something leaks, something needs repairing. is this a metaphor?
and now im supposed to go to emmaus and sit in a circle and tell God how much i love Him. Do I? For what reason? right now to me he is just this disciplinarian up there constantly testing me. Isnt that a form of torture? how is that love? i want to love him, i want to trust him, but how can i when whenever i start to, hell, my HOUSe gets struck by lightning. and thus the neverending cycle of crud.
im hurting right now. im in pain. im in purgattory. im tyring to put on a good face and go about this with resolve, but im tired. im tired of looking at all of this like im doing something wrong. this whole ordeal is wrong. its crap. how am i supposed to love God, when a direction he chose, hes beating me down. and what happens when it gets worse? itll abolsutely get worse. he always makes sure of that. what a god. what a guy. im done looking at all of this like im supposed to learn something, or that i need to "walk" in order to get wisdom. this one is on Him. His turn to start showing up. I didnt ask for this life or this ordeal. that is on him.
next week was supposed to be an affirmation. book goes on or doesnt, i get some direction in my life. i just think he is toying with me. good for him. got to keep occupied somehow in eternity. all i see is him rewarding sh* for ppl who arent worth it and guys like me just trying to get by get pushed in the mud and were supposed to be happy about it.
wel, there it is. go ahead and punish me for it. thats pretty much all you do anyway. hope its fun for you, one of us should be getting joy out of it.
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