I received an email from the men's group that angered me, unjustifiably, sent me into a grumbling, and i think it shows the root of my problem. a member of the group who worked on the concert is now tearing down the set, and our group is going to help him out tonight. i grumbled, a thought came into my mind "well, ive been working on my house for four months, has anyone of them come to help me?
What a horrible thought. But it punctuates the line of thinking that has sunken me recently. Like at the tile placw with my wife, that feeling of dejection about finances.
Maybe part of this is that I need some time off -- from work, from construction, from all of that. I've been going non-stop since Nick was born. the one day i took off, our house got struck by lightning, and ive been flinching ever since. sometimes i wonder how im able to stay together.
But i kept coming back to this, do i trust God thing. It's like I'm back into having a relationship for the sake of it, not for the enjoyment. But what am I supposed to learn from all of this?
Get my house in order before spreading God's word?
Has he not allowed my writing career to take off bc im not in the right frame of mind? or am i just a crappy writer? i dont know.
are these things preparing me for possible junctures, or is this stuff the bad stuff, meant to shape me up and glorify Him in some way.
I want to love God. I want to yearn for time with Him. I do, sometimes, but i know there something missing in my relationship with him. sadly, i always think that means hes going to do something bad to me in order for me to see, discipline me. i dont want to think that way. i want a starting point, an inner joy, that doesnt sway with the branches every gust of wind.
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